The longest blog ever written.

I want to c*ntpunch something.

really badly

Today I learned something that has strengthened my resolve...

To never end up like my mother.

Unfortunately, I'm sitting in my room, crying because of it.  The worst part is that it had nothing to do with me.  Not directly at least.  I have never met anyone as destructive or as hurtful and hateful as my mother.  And that's a shame because there are a lot of people that I can think of that have done some pretty awful things. Add to that the fact that she is really quite personable and people would be kind of confused.

And so it is.  My dad and I were talking about the past in the garage while he was smoking, it's what we do... Well, my dad talks and I listen.  The thing is, I don't hate it, I actually love listening to people talk, it's what I do, and I do it because I love doing it, and I truly enjoy learning about the past and why people are the way they are.  But not this time.  It's left me feeling empty and mortified, more than anything else... I found out why my dad is always so down and dejected.  If I had married my mother, I would be too, I don't even know what I would do with myself.  To be honest, I probably wouldn't have made it to almost see 60, a feat I'm more and more thankful of each day.

I learned quite a few things about the way things have run in my household since I was born. It makes me kinda wish I wasn't, because I am the reason why they got married; even if neither of them would admit it... I say this all with a request for you, the reader to know that I am more than happy to have been put on this earth.

I'm not going into details, because this is public domain, and I'm not airing dirty laundry for the world to see, but it's disgusting and I'm starting to realize what my sister and I are in "the grand scheme of things" and why we both have been drawn to professions that help others.... to cancel out all of this bad karma that has originated by her alone.  This is incredibly bitter and I'm sorry that there have to be people that will read this, but it really makes me think; it makes me cringe to think about anyone that has compared me to her... because really, when it comes down to it, I will never be either of my parents... I'll never be as good of a person as my father and I won't ever let myself become my mother. So it looks like I'll be creating my own path (SHOCK, it seems as though life would never let me have it any other way.)

But not everything about today was bad, I've grown to not only love but truly appreciate my father more than ever, I got to see a chiropractor and I'm making something happen, something cathartic.  Well I guess some of it has already started, Christ knows I've cleansed my living spaces. (talk to the 10 total bags of shit I've removed from just my room, they'll speak for me...)

So, it's on like Donkey Kong.  I'm ready to face the world and to show them that I will make it, god damn it!!!! come hell AND high water.

Yeah, yeah, it's on my tumblr too, whatcha gon do bout it?

OK.  I’m all about the social networking. I have a blogger, tumblr, twitter, facebook and even two myspaces somewhere on the webs that I randomly remember and update the second one of because i don’t even remember which email address I used to create the first one, or its url. I check in places if I want people to know where I am, I had an excite webpage about myself back in 2001 and I don’t regret any one of them (exceeept maybe the myspace v.1.)
Anywhore.

There are far too many faux pas (yes, it’s spelled the same in singular and plural, in case you were wondering. I myself was unsure so I had to consult the interwebs to help me on my quest for knowledge… Amusingly enough, unlike deer and deer, it’s pronounced differently, those silly frenchpeoples… end aside and insert request to pretend like there was no three sentence interruption from yours truly) that are running rampant, mainly through the facebooks.

DISCUSS-
1- The people who have no general idea of grammar structures and/or orthographic norms.
I understand, spelling is not everyone’s cup of tea.  Some people don’t understand grammar like the linguistics minor and lit major.  I get it, promise.  But people that blatantly and knowingly look back at their mother tongue and flick that middle finger proudly in the air make me sick.
eg-

• people that can’t add an “e” onto any form of “be”. Really? Is it that hard, instead of typing “I’m lyk gonna b at the pool tomorrow” to just add the extra letter.  B.E. BE.  be. it’s not hard. in fact, it’s quite natural, it is after all, how we’ve been spelling this for years and years… Don’t even get me started on lyk, bcause (a-ha, i’m tricksy and just a bit punny, yesh?) it’s a completely different story and my head will explode. 
• DEFINITELY.  good christ almighty save us all. the worst is when people spell the word defiantly.  The little red lines don’t show up, so it must be correct, yes?  NO!  FIND A DICTIONARY, READ WHAT DEFIANTLY MEANS. this rant is kinda tired, so i’mma just let it be.

2- The people that add everyone they meet or come across, whether it be electronically or physically “just because”. (Gays especially are a big culprit of this.)
A. YOU DON’T HAVE 5000 REAL FRIENDS.  And you don’t meet 30 new people a day.  Please stop hiding behind numbers of friends and join a recreation.
     i. play some tennis
     ii. go for a walk… or a run. there’s a chance you need it.
     iii. get out of your mother’s basement and see the sunlight.

B. Orrrr, there’s the other kinds, the twinky mo’s who are sluts and think that they have to find every gay male in a 50 mile radius and add them, just because they’re gay.  That’s what Grindr is for.  Thankfully I don’t have one of those… I’m sure my boyfriend appreciates it too.

C. Just because I met you 20 minutes ago doesn’t mean I want to be your facebook friend. Sure, if we hit it off and we had an awesome conversation, go for it.  I’m sure, if we became buddies quickly I’d love to talk to you more.  But if we had just a little small talk back and forth, it’s not worth it.

3- The ones who constantly update their status about how bored they are. 
Now I will say this, I’m not knocking it. everyone has those days where they want to do something but the world is taking a poo on them/ everyone they know or care about is busy, at work or in France, for example.  If it happens more than once a week, please go back and read Section 2.A.i. - 2.A.iii.  Or find some new friends because obviously something’s not right.

This also can be put upon the people telling their friends to “hit me up.” When used in moderation, it’s definitely okay, but at the end of every status in a week… hmmm? a little excessive, no?

4- People who put pictures of themselves smoking weed as their profile picture.
Really?  *judgment eyes*
That’s all that needs to be said.

5- People who update their status more times in a day than (and I say this verrrry generally) “normal” people do in a week.
GET.A.GOD.DAMN.TWITTER.

It’s acceptable there. And you can even send tweets via text message. You can always say something snatchy to/about the people around you who don’t know you and won’t ever see your tweet, unless you’re dumb/they look over your shoulder.  Then you might be in some trouble.

6- The event inviters.

No, I don’t want to go to your fundraiser in East Gabib. No, I don’t care about wombats in the Ukraine.  Especially if I don’t know you that well/ you invited all of your facebook friends. And I get one from you every 20 minutes.

7- The people like me, who rant about all of the faux pas on facebook. 
Heyyyy hypocrisy.  Except I’m not ranting about it on facebook. Unfortunately, my tumblr is attached to my facebook and I have no intention of hiding this post.

But. I will say, at least I know how egregious my ranting is… And that’s like listening to shitty music. As long as you are aware of how much of a tool you look like to everyone else, it’s okay ;)
And now I’m over it.  At least, I’m tired of typing stereotypes… like the girls with no self confidence who post 10 trillions pictures of themselves that all look the same… and the people who pretend to be cool…. (fade out on a continuation of the irksome things people do, including myself…)

That being said

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 23 lol
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying. Doubtlessly
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? We've been told that in order to be an adult you have to go through steps 1, 2, 56478979.  after that we're allowed to be happy. 
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? of course.  and anyone who says other wise will have been lying. sorry bout it 
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?  hate and ignorance. because of those two, we have so many problems.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? dance.  helping others with their problems 
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? settling.... for the moment.  as soon as i can get back on my feet though, nothing is going to stop me.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would probably be a lot less afraid to fail and do more trying. I would spend a significantly smaller portion of my life thinking and a significantly greater part of my life doing things. <-- stolen from g
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Well i've learned to control my perspective, slowly but it's happening.  in that it seems to have controlled a lot 
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Both.  at the same time
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would call them out if it's vicious. as much as i admire anyone, we're not perfect and need a reminder every once in a while that everyone has feelings
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? be inquistive, don't be afraid to get burnt once or twice, but don't make the same mistake more than three times. 
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? depends on the law.  99% of the time yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? whenever there is one there is the other.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Think
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?  because i think differently.  and i'm more than happy with it.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? too many things
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? of course, sadly. 
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?  Spain. hands down
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? sometimes
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? worried genius, I take pride in knowing things, because it's what i've got... it's gotten to where i am and will get me to where I'm going to be.
22. Why are you, you?  Because no one else can be me :)
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes, and if I haven't been, I've made it right (stolen from gill)
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives right there. I've had both happen, and the former may be more difficult, but the latter is just plain sad. <--samesies (x3) 
25. What are you most grateful for? My family. And my education.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? i would stop being myself, so i can't answer this question
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? i wish, i feel like i would be happier
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?  nope.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Yes and in an indirect way, yes.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? I don't know, to be honest.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?  that's a little too personal for a blog.
32. If not now, then when? When it needs to happen
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?  what you have, the feeling of comfort that at least you're alive, making it through the day.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?  yeah. 
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?  It's not so  cut and dry.  Sometimes things that you love have to be fought for.  I wish there were other ways of fighting, and that people would use words more than guns, but that's the unfortunate truth of life. 
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? NO
37. If you just won a million dollars, would  you quit your job? not if it's a job i care about and want to be doing. 
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work without a doubt 
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Unfortunately, yes
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? 5 years ago
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? everyone i could.  make it a marathon by going to a bunch of different places... probably spend about  900 dollars in airfare.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? not really, no
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Perspectives, gratitude and a want/desire 
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? When you know what is right...
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Becuase we don't know what will happen if we do... and there's also a bit of the need to be perfect that has been socially ground into us. 
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? nothing. because as much as people judge now, I've learned to not care about them and "do me"
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? quite frequently actually, i'm a little self concious about it
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? life. being alive and the people i'm close to.  i can only hope so
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? no... yesterday was boring
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I make my own decisions, but not without influences

A rant on... Mountain Dew? Oh yes.

I realized what irks me the most today...

What is that you may ask? I'll tell you, it's really quite easy:

Stupidity.  I hate to say/see/think it so i put it really small.....

There is a specific instance in which brought on these seething thoughts that will quickly turn into a rant, i can feel it... 

The next time someone is drinking mountain dew and another person says something about how it is going to lower their sperm count, person 2 is going to get a gigantic slash through their throat with my not-so-sharp-(they-are-actually-quite-blunt) nails.

Especially if I'm the one drinking it.  Couple of reasons--

a number 1) I am 22 years old.  Who wants a baby at 22? I can barely keep up the lifestyle in which all i'm doing is supporting myself and the bar tab... I'm not trying to have no kids.  I don't want ANY BABIES. 0 BABIES.  (get the reference? if not, check it-- Powerthirst: Gay Edition.  You need to watch it, even if you have seen it already... it's really funny, (but caveat-- make sure you're in company that can appreciate some gross humour/ aren't easily offended.  and don't listen to it too loud if you're in public/ give a shit what anyone thinks of you)

which leads to...

b number 2) I'm gay.... WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH SPERM? It either goes down some boy's throat  (too graphic??, sorry bout it!) or on a bed somewhere.  Bitch please, step off it.  I have no use for it. I am not, nor will I be procreating any time soon, please stop acting like it's a big loss to me.  do you even know what ejaculate (that i'm 98% sure you're confusing sperm for) is made of?  because it's mostly proteins from your body that are not the ones that will get a homegirl preggo..... i'm seething just sitting at my computer, as i'm aggressively attacking my keyboard, which did absolutely nothing to me.

c number 3) you could just say "bitch, aren't you on a diet and supposed to be saving those obnoxiously large amount of calories for drinking, hmmm?"

I'd take it.

so friends (or not friends as it were) this case is closed. 

<3