To never end up like my mother.
Unfortunately, I'm sitting in my room, crying because of it. The worst part is that it had nothing to do with me. Not directly at least. I have never met anyone as destructive or as hurtful and hateful as my mother. And that's a shame because there are a lot of people that I can think of that have done some pretty awful things. Add to that the fact that she is really quite personable and people would be kind of confused.
And so it is. My dad and I were talking about the past in the garage while he was smoking, it's what we do... Well, my dad talks and I listen. The thing is, I don't hate it, I actually love listening to people talk, it's what I do, and I do it because I love doing it, and I truly enjoy learning about the past and why people are the way they are. But not this time. It's left me feeling empty and mortified, more than anything else... I found out why my dad is always so down and dejected. If I had married my mother, I would be too, I don't even know what I would do with myself. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have made it to almost see 60, a feat I'm more and more thankful of each day.
I learned quite a few things about the way things have run in my household since I was born. It makes me kinda wish I wasn't, because I am the reason why they got married; even if neither of them would admit it... I say this all with a request for you, the reader to know that I am more than happy to have been put on this earth.
I'm not going into details, because this is public domain, and I'm not airing dirty laundry for the world to see, but it's disgusting and I'm starting to realize what my sister and I are in "the grand scheme of things" and why we both have been drawn to professions that help others.... to cancel out all of this bad karma that has originated by her alone. This is incredibly bitter and I'm sorry that there have to be people that will read this, but it really makes me think; it makes me cringe to think about anyone that has compared me to her... because really, when it comes down to it, I will never be either of my parents... I'll never be as good of a person as my father and I won't ever let myself become my mother. So it looks like I'll be creating my own path (SHOCK, it seems as though life would never let me have it any other way.)
But not everything about today was bad, I've grown to not only love but truly appreciate my father more than ever, I got to see a chiropractor and I'm making something happen, something cathartic. Well I guess some of it has already started, Christ knows I've cleansed my living spaces. (talk to the 10 total bags of shit I've removed from just my room, they'll speak for me...)
So, it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm ready to face the world and to show them that I will make it, god damn it!!!! come hell AND high water.
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